


Padparadscha at the Talent Show

by Master_of_the_Boot1



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Singing, Talent Shows, immature
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:54:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29272812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Master_of_the_Boot1/pseuds/Master_of_the_Boot1
Summary: In celebration of her time on Earth, Padparadscha invites Lars and Rhodonite to a talent show where she will sing a song.Unfortunately she might not have a family friendly song to sing.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 7





	Padparadscha at the Talent Show

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SusieBeeca](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SusieBeeca/gifts).



_Padparadscha at the Talent Show_

_Author’s note: This is going to get pretty crude_

_This is straight offensive. All the trigger warnings apply_

Lars sat in the front row of the talent show, wearing a rented blue Tuxedo that he picked up from a crappy little shop in New Jersey. To the right of him sat a nutty old Jewish man in mittens and to the left of him was Rhodonite.

“Are you sure that she’s up for this?” asked Rhodonite, the nervous Gem wrung her smaller hands together.

“Eventually Pads is going to have to get used to Earth culture,” Lars told the gem fusion with Chronic anxiety. “Besides, she spent all summer learning how to play guitar. Let her be proud of something and show it off.”

“Oh, I’m just so worried for her,” said Rhodonite. “I spent years and centuries watching out for her like she was a human baby. I guess now I feel like now she can handle herself and I’m useless.”

Lars laughed and patted the fusion on the shoulder. “Hey it happens when you love someone. But I promise when she strides her tiny self on that stage, you’ll be as proud as any mom ever would be.”

“But I’m not her mom. I’m not anybody’s mom,” Rhodonite protested.

“Look lady,” said the Jewish grandpa. “I paid a whole four bucks for this show, can you keep it down? The Talent show is about to start.”

Rhodonite yelped but said nothing to the old man.

The lights in the community theatre dimmed and the stage curtain lifted. Over the loud speaker, the organizer of the event read off a list. “Attention Patrons of Joe Schmeckle’s Talent show,” said the elderly chain smoking Italian American lady in the announcer’s booth. “As our first act, we will be having the talented musician Padparadscha Jones go on with her guitar.” The Italian American lady put out her cigarette and added with a hint of encouragement, “You knock em dead, sweetie.”

With a twenty second delay, Padparadscha delicately tiptoed onto the stage with her guitar. It was comical in that the instrument bought at a pawn shop was bigger than she was.

Still, the tiny gem moved with the confidence and beauty of a very small Disney Princess. With confidence she climbed up the stool that was meant for people twice her size.

Grunting, she put the guitar across her lap and took the microphone close to her.

“Hello, everyone. My name is Padparadscha Jones. I am a new visitor to Earth and this week I got my Citizenship in the United Kingdom, so this song is a celebration of everything I love on Earth. It was originally written by the famous band Nickleback and later translated and improved by the very talented content creator, Helion Hero.”

“Nickleback?” Lars cocked his head with confusion.

“Oy,” groaned the old man, “God forbid a sweet little _pempik_ should sing a little Frank Sinatra or any of the classics.”

There was was a moment before Padparadscha strummed a few cords. A moment later, she started playing a passable melody on her guitar.

Things went sideways when she started singing.

It wasn’t that she was a bad singer. Far from it. She had a beautiful voice like a glass bell. No the problem with her singing was the content.

_Standing in line at the gay club for faggots, big cock in my mouth,_

_And I’m choking on a penis!_

_Life is fucking gay, the way I want it to be!_

Lars completely froze on the spot as virtually all of the audience gasped and looked around uncomfortably. “Oh God, why couldn’t it have been Nickleback?” he asked out loud.

Rhodonite looked around double nervous from everyone else bad reaction to a song about hardcore gay sex.

On stage, the song went on. Padparadscha was utterly oblivious to the audience’s reaction.

_I want a big black Cock up in my ass,_

_And a bathroom I can take big shits in,_

_And a King sized Dick to rape my ass for free._

People in the audience were openly disgusted with the song. Except the chain smoking New Jersey Italian Aunt in the Sound Booth. The old lady was cackling like a madwoman as she struggled to keep from dropping her cigarette. The old gal started to cough and took a quick drink of cheap wine to moisten her throat.

‘ _Cause we all just wanna be gay porn stars!_

_And Live on Hilltops, slob on fifteen cocks,_

_The Dicks come easy and the drugs come cheap,_

_We’ll all skinny cause we just eat penis!_

Lars was visibly sweating as he looked around. The old Grandpa leaned into him. “I’ve been coming to this talent show for thirty-seven years; this is the worst show I’ve ever been to. You take your little sister and you tell her why this is wrong before she can end up selling herself on Sherman Avenue.”

_Hang out in the Gay Bars, with the VIP’s and the movie Stars!_

_Every big gay Fucker’s gonna wind up there,_

_Every gay butt buddy with their bleached asshole!_

People were openly booing her and Padparadscha didn’t care. She was having the time of her life.

_Suck on my Privates, dudes, with the Latest Dictionary in Today’s Who’s Gay!_

_We’ll get you anything with a Cosby smile,_

_Everybody’s got a date rapist on Speed dial!_

It was at that moment that a stage hand had yoinked Padparadscha off stage using a wooden cane.

“Aw, Frank, you fucking _Stronzo_!” shouted the Lady in the South booth, “Put that sweet little thing back where she belongs!” Her outrage was punctuated with bad coughing, which ended with her hawking up a wad of smoker’s snot and spitting it into her coffee cup.

In the back stage, everything was a dizzying whir for Padparadscha as her faulty future vision kept her form properly grasping her surroundings.

But everything clarified when Lars took one of her tiny, tiny hands. “Human-Lars, I know everyone hated my song but I don’t care. Was I a good singer?”

Lars smiled, “No, you were the best.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is made in parody of this. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ulX34Jx4Wk&t=140s
> 
> I love immature humor.


End file.
